7/21
Yesterday was... wow. /neg It was really good at first! We went out to eat, twice. We went school shopping which is something we actually really love doing. We were having fun . But then everything went shit around 7. Leon and Morning Star fronted together for the very first time, and it was absolutely fucking terrible. We had a really bad emotional flashback which included a very intense anger then even more intense sadness and guilt from being angry. It ended up triggering a panic attack. It wasn't a terrible one but it was pretty bad. Since then we backslid on.. everything. We spent all day today binge eating, which has given us acid reflux and swollen extremeties. We got only three things on our to-do list gone. We have a terrible headache too. This sucks. Luckily, our mom was only here for part of the flashback and didn't see any of the panic attack. By the time she came back, we were calm. We tried to do the spoons trick but our eyes were still red and she caught on that we were crying basically the second she stepped in the house. We thought about telling her that we had a panic attack but she's not great at this type of stuff. So we just didn't answer any of her questions, other than to tell her that it had nothing to do with anybody else. (I think she blames this guy we were in kind of in a noncommittal relationship with...) She keeps trying to do this thing where she tries to subtly pry at us and it's getting kind of annoying because she keeps bringing it up and making us think about the flashback. She knows we have PTSD (we were fifteen or sixteen when we got diagnosed and our therapist at the time told her) but I think she doesn't 100% believe it because it doesn't present in the way she thinks it should. We haven't talked about it once since I got diagnosed. I generally try to handle these things by myself which as you can tell is going perfect. I hate this. -blurry
continuation of 7/20
Hi! Wow, we haven't done self care in sooo long! I'm so glad I was able to front, the body was in need of a majorrr shower. We have two autoimmune diseases which can make it hard to care for our body since we're always running low on spoons. But for some reason, I don't feel the effects of them as much as most of the other alters do. Which I guess makes me a great external caregiver! I forgot how simple and fun self care can be. We took a shower -- a good shower, with antibacterial soap and skincare and haircare. We put on a face mask and pore strips. Then made a fancy coffee, which was yummy. We didn't finish it though, for two reasons. For one, I put a crumbled cookie in it because for some reason I forgot that it would get all mushy and stuff. It killed my sensory issues so bad. Owww. The taste was really good! I think I'll remake it soon without the cookie. Then my mom messaged me and asked if I wanted something to eat. If I finished my coffee, I wouldn't be able to eat... so now I'm curled up in the chair with a banana nut bread scented candle burning waiting for her to come back. I've got on comfy sweatpants and fuzzy socks and I'm wathcing Gilmore Girls. (Can you tell it's our system's favorite show?). It smells like coffee, and the candle, and things are just really calm and quiet. A little bit of self care goes a long way. I'm so glad I'm fronting more often. -Jazmine
07/20
another day. it was okay, i guess. work was kind of mostly fine. we've been kind of blurry today but jazmine and lola are the best at our job and theyve been in the mix. but of course the second something went wrong *i* was at the front. i suck at our job. of course. leon was fronting with me shortly before then but thank goodness he wasnt during the emergency. the last thing we need is him yelling at our boss for her to go fuck herself. anyways, i dont have much to say. im on edge, waiting for those feelings of not being able to breathe when tirzah fronts, but they havent come yet. she hasnt really fronted today. well make smores tonight, which im excited for. im starving. i dont think tirzah is feeding the body as much as she should be. gosh, im so excited for autumn. i dont know if this is jazmines influence but everybody in our system seems to be eagerly awaiting autumn. we live in the south, where summers are muggy and hot and miserable. and in the winter, we typically get depressed.so autumn is our favorite season. funky colors, pumpkins, horror movies, cozy socks, coffee... ugh, we're always so motivated. when we were in highschool, morning star was the host throughout most of it and he didnt care for school in the slightest but even for him, we would get better. im pretty sure jazmines existed for way longer than any of us realize (we "made" her in our early teenage years as an oc, couldnt understand why she felt so real, like we were *her* sometimes or she was us. we still didnt connect the dots when we realized that were plural. i think the same thing happened with another "oc" jesse, but this was a long time ago and shes probably gone by now) but shes only started being more obvious about who she is and about the fact that shes fronting recently. part of me (pun intended) wonders if its because were about to start college. she seems particularly excited about it, she even has a pinterest board of studying tips and motivation. well, i hope things go better than they did in high school. by the time somebody that wasnt morning star took over as the host, it was impossible to catch up on our studies... -mj
Today's mood: fine
Doing: watching gilmore girls
07/19
Wow. Today's been a,, day? It's so goddamn hot. I babysat today. It sucked. Lost Internet most of the day so I couldn't work on this site as much as I hoped. I went out to eat today though. I had carnitas. It was really good. Anyways, I've been dissociating a lot lately. Like, all day. And I'm really struggling with my breathing. At first, it was asthma related, but now I'm sure it's just anxiety. Feels like I can't get a full breath. Part of that is the SSD of course. Thanks, Tirzah. It feels like I'm living in a dream land most of the time. And like I'm drowning. Not metaphorically but literally drowning. I've been having mild panic attacks lately too. As you can see, I'm doing great. But I start college in August, and I'm actually really excited about it. I'm nervous too but I've been itching to get my hands on schoolwork again. Never thought I'd say that. I think being busy will help with some of our.. err, issues. I need to clean my room soon too. I want a fresh start for school. I got triggered today. (hello! this originally said something very, very personal and potentially triggering about the way we grew up. i decided that this isnt an appropriate thing for us to share. some of our alters have the tendancy to overshare, but im trying to control thiis -mj). I'm dissociating slightly from it, but thank God Morning Star wasn't fronting. He really struggles with stuff like that. So not that triggered, I guess. Obsessively watching Gilmore Girls again. Hey, it's motivation! Oh crap, this thing's almost dead. Gtg. -blurry
Today's mood: meh
Doing: nothing